Planning for death or serious illness is not usually high on the “to do” list. However, at some point or another all of us will face a situation when we are unable to manage our own affairs. We will have to turn to our family and friends and possibly professionals to help us with the normal day to day tasks of life.
The transition from being able to manage affairs yourself to relying on others is often a painful one. We are so used to relying on ourselves that often it is embarrassing to have to ask others for help. Our American culture of “do it yourself” makes us feel inadequate when we can’t perform 100%.
A person’s family is also under a strain when an illness or death occurs. It is very hard to watch a mother, father, or other relative suffer from pain, fear of death, and the embarrassment of having to be taken care of. It is so sad to see an old person’s hurt pride when they cannot do things like visit the bathroom without assistance. Many times the family is just as overwhelmed by the thought of death and what it will be like without that person in their lives as the ill person is.
In a traumatic situation a family wants to do the right thing. They want to ease the pain and make their relative feel comfortable. It is a natural response. It is helpful if the relative is able to communicate what they need and want. However, often times the relative still won’t ask for what they need because they don’t want to be a burden. If the person cannot effectively communicate or has died families want to make sure that the person’s wishes and estate are handled as it would have been wanted.
Families do not want to have to guess what a relative’s wishes were. Doing what you think the person would have wanted is not the same as the satisfaction of doing what you know the person wanted. The wondering just makes a difficult event more painful.
When it is your turn to be taken care of your family will want to find something you have written that explains your wishes. They will want to know how you want to be treated in the hospital. Do you want to put on life support machines? Given the option would you rather die in your own home? Do you want a doctor to prescribe morphine if he or she believes your are in pain? What is to happen to your estate? Are there debts that need to be paid? Are there assets, like savings accounts, that nobody knows about? Should a small loan to a grandchild be forgiven? Who should take charge of paying the bills and managing the property? All of these questions will go through the minds of the family. If there are written instructions your family will be greatly relieved.
If you don’t leave instructions each family member will have a different idea about what should be done. Everyone will be sure their idea is what you would have wanted. Quarrelling between relatives wanting to do the right thing is common. And, because the issues are very emotional, feelings are likely to be hurt. Relationships between the family are often strained, sometimes for years.
When you come into my office I take as much time as you need to explain all of your circumstances. I have checklists that we carefully go over to make sure that you do not forget anybody or anything. I ask about each family member and how that person fits into your wishes. I ask about your health care wishes and how you want to be taken care of. Finally, I itemize each asset in your estate and describe how it is to be used to pay for your care and distributed at your death. We review your options and decide how your wishes are best handled. It might be a will, a revocable trust (living trust), or both. We also consider how your wishes can be handled in a way that minimizes estate taxes, and eliminates the need for probate.
Client meetings are absolutely confidential. They take place in my private conference room. If you prefer I will also keep your signed documents in my care. I will prepare a simple “Notice of Estate Plan” for you to take home describing what documents have been created, where they are, and under what circumstances I will provide them. In this way your wishes can remain private until they are needed.
I prepare estate plans for married couples and domestic partners also. In order to meet with each spouse or partner together each is required to waive their right to confidentiality with respect to the other, but not to anyone else. In this way I don’t have to keep information given to me by one a secret from the other. I can then prepare wills, trusts, and other documents that work well together.
Although planning for illness and death is not high on our lists of favorite things to do it is a step that each one of us should consider doing before it is needed. Most people feel a sense of security once they have finished. Clients tell me that even though it was not something they were looking forward to they are glad that they did it.